Stressful, trying, testing, difficult, confusing...those are just a few of the words that describe my first year of marriage. There was a lot of bickering, fighting, false accusations, name calling, and hurt feelings. And would you believe; none of it was between my husband and me. It was all with my in-laws. A few months into my marriage, I quickly learned why people made "in-law" jokes. Unfortunately, my situation was no laughing matter.
The details are unimportant, but while you read this, I want you to think of a situation in your life that you felt wrongly accused or that made you so angry that a relationship ended because of it. Think about a situation that gets you so upset when you think about how unfair all of it was and how you just want some vindication. There. Now you know exactly how I felt.
One day, after no longer speaking to my father-in-law or his sister and his sister's daughter, I was taking a shower getting ready for work. I allowed my thoughts to wonder and I started thinking about the situation with my in-laws. I found myself getting so agitated and worked up. I got out of the shower and I was furious. By the time I got to work, my tone was set for the day. I was pissed and everyone I came in to contact with was going to know about it. What a terrible day that was. You know it's a bad day when you work with a bunch of salty old truck drivers who seem like the Queen of England compared to you.
The next morning, I was in the shower again, getting ready for work. My mind started to wonder again and again, I felt myself getting agitated. Remembering the day I had before, I stopped myself and started to pray. And suddenly the Lord began to speak to my spirit.
He said to me, "Jen, do you have any idea that as much as you think your in-laws are wrong, they think you are equally as wrong?"
That might seem like a simple statement, but at that point in my life and in that moment, that was a huge thought to try to digest.
God went on to say, "Rather than puffing yourself up, bring yourself down to whatever level you think your in-laws are at. Make yourself equal to them and then start forgiving them."
In my mind I saw a scale. I saw me on the side of the scale that was way up high and I saw my in-laws on the side that was way down low. They were so "beneath me". So I started to pray.
I said, "Father God, soften my heart, take away my pride. Allow me to make the scales I see in my mind, even and equal. Help me to remember that in their mind, I am no better than they are in my mind. Help me to remember that forgiveness is for my benefit, not for the other person's."
And it was there that the Lord challenged me to pray in the shower everyday and ask for God to soften my heart and allow me to forgive and also allow me to be worthy of forgiveness. The significance of doing it in the shower was this:
When a person has unforgiveness in their heart, it causes bitterness and as simply as I can say, it makes the person feel dirty and yucky inside. So my commitment to God was that while I was in the shower cleaning my outer person, I would also humble myself and cleanse my inner person; my spirit, my soul, my heart, and my mind.
James 4:6-8 says, "As the Scriptures say, "God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble. So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you.
Wash your hands, you sinners;
purify your hearts, you double-minded."
Forgiveness is like a muscle. It has to be worked out everyday or else it gets weak and is harder to use. So even if I don't think I have anyone to forgive or even if I think I have already forgiven a person, I practice forgiveness everyday. Because I remember what God said to me, that I am no better in the other person's mind than they are in mine.
Six months after that experience in the shower, my father-in-law passed away. I wish I could say that all the relationships were magically healed and that we all ran to each other in slow motion and had a huge embrace. Unfortunately, that did not happen. I was back on speaking terms with my father-in-law before he passed and he was very excited about becoming a grandfather. After he passed away, apologies were exchanged with my aunt-in-law and cousin-in-law. I don't know that they ever got to a level of true forgiveness towards me, but in the end what was transformed was my attitude and my feelings of anger towards my in-laws. I was at peace.
And it all started with a morning shower.
